Manners from last week's talk

In our open discussion after last Tuesday's talk, we talked a good deal about manners--about what seems the right amount of politeness to expect from our young children.  In hoping that parents would make decisions that would work for their families, I gave stories of Michaela Gloeckler and Helle Heckmann, two experienced and strong and wise lecturers about Waldorf education.  I have seen Dr. Gloeckler lecture many times, and I was fortunate to have Helle Heckmann observe my class and share her frank opinions with me (I am very proud of the one compliment she paid me) last year.

In a workshop with a number of experienced early childhood teachers, Dr. Gloeckler caused a stir by suggesting we refrain from correcting a child's speech in the first seven years.  Some of this we were already doing by course (not singling out a 3 year old to point out she or he is saying a word in a less traditional way--as the endearing version of my name--Wooleyman--that circulates among the nursery suggests), but many Waldorf early childhood teachers (me included, though I was not so experienced at that point; I had learned from experienced teachers) would routinely speak polite language for a child to model it.  If a child puts an empty bowl toward a teacher with no words or "More Soup!," the teacher might say, "May I have more soup, please?  Yes, you may have more soup."  (The teacher is speaking to herself or himself--or really, to the collective we that still obtains in groups of young children; the teacher avoids singling out the child).  Gloeckler seemed to create a stir by suggesting that even this practice interfered with a healthy development of a child's sense of speech--Gloeckler is rigorous and has high expectations for teachers, one of which is we work out of imitation and not explanation in the first 7 years.  She does not come across as someone who wants Waldorf graduates to be impolite slackers; she expects teachers to approach this work in an acutely aware age sensitive way (something I fall short of often by bringing explanation into my work).

I have distributed this article before on non-verbal education, but will do so again here in context of this discussion on manners.

In the article, you will notice Gloeckler chiding parents for correcting their children for presenting a left hand rather than a right hand to shake a doctor's hands in the first seven years--not because she does not want children to be polite, but because she has very high expectations of how we adults will work through imitation and not explanation to bring this about.  Note, also, that the child was being polite already by offering a hand.

When Helle Heckmann came to observe my nursery, she felt I could expect much better manners of 2 and 3 year olds, that they could sit at a snack table without wiggling or going on their knees or complaining about soup.  Her opinion was that if a child doesn't like soup and is fussing and fidgeting, we are feeding the child too much; she is used to seeing children getting hungry and tucking in to every meal they are served--a different perspective from a different country.  In this light, she seemed to imply that we could give all sorts of verbal redirection at the table, even with young children, to guide them towards politeness.

Now the one compliment Heckmann paid me was when two of my students were struggling over one of my Bissells and I allowed them to continue their struggle for a good long time without intervention (I knew the children really well and knew that if one struck another they would be able to bounce back quickly like the ducks Eckhart Tolle describes and move on with their relationship; I knew they were a really even match).  She lamented that she so rarely sees teachers in America really letting students struggle in their play.  I give this picture to make clear that Heckmann does not want us micromanaging our children's actions throughout the day.  She also told stories of being 2 and being allowed to ride her tricycle all over Denmark with a lot of freedom (different times, perhaps) and encouraging us to allow children to have this experience to.

Both Gloeckler and Heckmann are asking us, I think, to look for the right balance of form and freedom--for Heckmann, she feels freedom comes a great deal in creative play and working out conflicts without overly intellectual adult solutions; but when an activity is supposed to be formed (a meal, a story), we teachers and adults should have very high expectations for young children to be polite and part of that form.  For Gloeckler, I think, form comes from the adult being present and aware and truly worthy of imitation (which is intimidating).  If our child or children seem excessively rude or impolite, Gloeckler would--I believe--have us examine our own actions and attitude and see what we can alter in how we approach the world to make ourselves a more effective role model for our children.

As I said last Tuesday, I am always working to find the right balance.  If I have a 4 year old who loves school but feels too intimidated to speak to me or to speak in front of a large group, and she eats all the snacks, and tentatively pushes her bowl toward me for a second helping, I may well serve her with a smile (if she could bear that much direct attention) and no words.  I remember seeing a 5 year old boy throw a bag of organic popcorn at his mother's head so she would open it; in this case I would probably feel less reserved about saying something or setting a verbal limit.  In my classes, I sense that some children need me to be more direct (they are perhaps being silly in an attempt to gain attention as a clown) while other children benefit more from being allowed to be in a world of nonverbal education (and I give them their rice with as much care as I can, with possibly no words).

With warmth and light,

William Geoffrey Dolde