Dear Families,
I sent along to many of you cartoons that summarize the discussions from Faber and Mazlish's book Siblings Without Rivalry. If you have not received these and would like a copy, please contact me (wdolde at gmail.com), and I will be glad to send along a batch. This was in response to a parent's request for help when time is short. Below a few other resources that have helped parents in a pinch over the years.
First, a caveat I've uttered before. Although I find Siblings Without Rivalry a really helpful book, I wish the name were slightly less emphatic. I wish the name were "Siblings With Just Enough Rivalry to Help them in Their Development" (this would probably be harder to market). My understanding from reading books such as Your Child's Self-Esteem by Dorothy Corkille Briggs and the work of Kim Payne is that children need a bit of jealousy, conflict, and rivalry to develop (Kim Payne warns us to avoid a harmony addiction). Briggs tells us that when there is too much jealousy, children then tend to shut down, and development stops. Kim Payne calls this the moment at which conflict becomes stuck and an adult needs to bring presence to the situation (not always doing something; sometimes Payne tells us, "Don't just do something! Stand there!" Sometimes children need our nonjudgmental presence as witnesses). I think Faber and Mazlish would agree, of course: I just want to make sure none of us are deluded into steering our family ship to a nonexistent (and ultimately unhealthy) cove devoid of any conflict or rivalry.
That said, I find rereading Siblings Without Rivalry or How to Talk So Kids WIll Listen or How to Talk so Kids Will Learn refreshing. By dipping into their cartoons that summarize the chapters, I am able to wake up and bring presence to situations that I had fallen asleep to, whether with my sons or in the classroom: "Oh yes, that's where I could have been trying a different way."
If the excerpts from Siblings Without Rivalry brought help, you may enjoy How to Talk so Kids Will Listen--which has more examples of parent and child interactions. Here's a link to one preview of this book http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0380811960
You should be able to find it at libraries as well. If you are short on time, skip to the cartoons at the end of each chapter--with effectiveness they encapsulate the kernel of each chapter's argument.
Our WIWS library houses a number of cds of lectures by Kim Payne. Over the years, a few parents have found The Compassionate Response lecture to be water in the desert when they found themselves at a breaking point. If you do not want to wait for the library to open again, you can order the CD directly from Kim Payne's web-site: http://www.thechildtoday.com/Catalog/
Katrina Kenison's Mitten Strings For God: Reflections for Mothers in a Hurry provides support and reflections on a variety of topics that translate what one thoughtful mother learned at a Waldorf school into ways of being at home. This should be available at libraries. Here's a taste of the book from Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Mitten-Strings-God-Reflections-Mothers/dp/0446676934.
IF YOU HAVE SLIGHTLY MORE TIME
I find Eckhart Tolle's books easy to read, transformative, and helpful to review frequently. His guidance toward presence and awareness helps me greatly as a teacher and parent. I would recommend either Power of Now or A New Earth. His web site contains a great deal of content: www.eckharttolle.com.
IF YOU HAVE MORE TIME
Polly Berrien Berends' Whole Child/Whole Parent travels through world religions and literature to reflect upon what it means to be a parent, what we are to learn in this process. Many of her conclusions work in harmony with Tolle's.
Dorothy Corkille Briggs Your Child's Self-Esteem was one of the few books Magda Gerber recommended. It seems to me that Briggs, like Faber and Mazlish, like Goleman and Gottman (Emotional Intelligence), like Louise Gurney, continues a stream of reflections about child development that are in harmony with Haim Ginott's teachings at Columbia's Teacher College and his books such as Teacher and Child.
You can start immersing yourself in the works of Rudolf Steiner in audio format for free by visiting www.rudolfsteineraudio.com. You might start with Anthroposophy in Everyday Life or the Education of the Child. Steiner was often lecturing to people familiar with his descriptions of the material and spiritual worlds, so a first listen or read might feel a bit much (after repeated reads, I can hold on to the cohesion of his images).
I am aware of the irony that this note is a bit long for help in a hurry. I look forward to seeing you at our summer festival Friday.
With Warmth and Light,
William Geoffrey Dolde
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Location:Maxwelton Rd,Clinton,United States
